****For Immediate Release***
GAGME Launches New Residency Program Dedicated to Putting Paperwork First.
–New Residency Program Elevates Paperwork to Its Rightful Status–
Clark, WY – (April 1, 2018)- The Group Association for Graduate Medical Education (GAGME) recently launched a new residency program dedicated to exclusive focus on the primacy of paperwork in the lives of physicians.
The American Association of Physician Bureaucrats are ecstatic about this new opportunity which will allow a select few physicians to attain the status of Doctor of Paperwork. “The Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services and the American College of Physicians both have initiatives that aim to put patients before paperwork,” recognized Joe Triplicate, MD, the first chairman of the Paperwork Residency Program. “We’re taking a different approach by staunchly defending paperwork’s rightful position at the top of the patient care pyramid, where it belongs. Our focus is to train expert physician paperworkists who can navigate both physical and digital paper in ways that were previously unimaginable.”
On an interesting note, the residency program is exempt from the residency work hour restrictions that allow most residents to leave the hospital for food, water, and other activities. The founders of the program clarify that it is true that physicians are already expected to put patients first. The expectation is that they will see patients during office hours and then do paperwork after office hours, when it is less likely to interfere with actual patient care.
“Medicine is loaded with over-used phrases and buzzwords such as ‘we need to change the culture’ and ‘transparency’,” says Quimby Meaningfuluse, MD, CEO of the Group Association for Graduate Medical Education. “With this new five-year residency program, physicians will be given a training opportunity to change the culture and help others be enthusiastic about mounds of useless paperwork that create no added value to the care of the patient. And regarding transparency: our trainees will be on-call and available to do paperwork at any time during the residency, and they will be trained to like it.”
The curriculum includes the following highlights:
-Prior authorizations. Residents will learn to artfully respond to the automatic “Just Say No” response generated by most pharmacy benefits companies.
-Redoing paperwork. Trainees will become expert in paperwork that physicians are often told was done incorrectly. This training includes a superficial mastery of ICD-10, similar to the Swedish group ABBA’s mastery of the English language, which they could sing fluently but not engage in conversational English.
-Certificate of medical necessity. Often physicians are told, “You did it wrong even when we you did it exactly as instructed.” Trainees will spend over a year on this topic alone, which may need to be repeated as the rules change.
-Recognizing the administrative benefits of rules. For example, hospitals are affected by the “two midnight rule.” Trainees will learn to use music to remember things that are otherwise not understandable. For example, the lyrics to Eric Clapton’s song “After Midnight” have been rewritten to “Past Two Midnights.” This will allow the paperworkist trainees to impart information to their peers without actually understanding the point of the information.
-Joy in paperwork. The five-year program culminates with a seminar called “Joy in Paperwork: Putting the Fizz Back in Physicians.” Trainees will learn coping skills to avoid burnout including attending mandatory group therapy sessions where they will learn to not think about the work that’s piling up outside the doors of the seminar.
Additional information may be obtained by contacting paperworkGAGME@outlook.com
Background: GAGME is in no way affiliated with any actual, existing medical organization. It is not a coincidence that this exciting press release was withheld until April Fools’ Day.